Him

By Aisleen Cuéllar

I went to a swimming competition with horses with my feminine school, that is, getting into a pool while riding a horse. I was new at the school so I don’t know how I entered this, I just know that we won the competition and we stayed in a hotel in the same place where the competition was, there I became closer with my classmates, but there was one specific girl that called my attention so I decided to talk to her, she was very sweet and cute but also very shy like me. We talked about music, pets, video games, and awkward situations that we have gone through because of the social anxiety that we both share.

Weeks later, when we became best friends, she texted me saying that she wanted to talk to me about something very important and I was very scared. What if I did something wrong? ¿If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? On my way to her house, I was dying because of anxiety, and when I finally arrived I was sweating and almost crying. She was my best friend at that moment and I didn't want to ruin that. But when we were in her room I broke up in tears, almost begging her to not leave me, and in response to this action, she helped me calm down and told me that she didn’t mean to leave me, and after some breathing exercises with her she told me the reason for me being there.

- Look, I’m afraid to tell you or even talk about this so I just want you to stay calm, if you don’t want to be my friend or don’t want me in your life after this just leave, please don’t comment on anything or say offensive things to me, ok?.

I just nodded, and then she started talking again.

-So, I wanted to tell you that… I don’t feel like a… girl, and when I think about myself I see myself as… as a man and, if this didn’t make you feel uncomfortable I really would like you to… to maybe use he/him pronouns with me?

I looked at her, no, sorry, him, I looked at him. He looked so scared with his head down, so I put my hand on his head and he, with tears in his eyes, decided to look at me too.

- You're so cute, stop!- I gave him a little punch and then he hugged me.

- So you don’t hate me?

- Of course, don’t hate you dumbass, you're my favorite man in the world, and of course, it will be may be difficult to get your pronouns right at the beginning so I apologize beforehand, but I still love you, no matter if you are a girl, a boy or maybe a potato, you will always be my favorite one in this world.

- I love you Lynn

- I love you… By the way, how do you want me to call you? like your name.

- Hmm… I was thinking about “Arson”. What do you think?

- Oh my god I love it!

This secret made us get closer, and with this closeness, it grew feelings for each other. A couple of weeks later I decided to tell him, and we started dating. We were doing what we always did, but adding romance to our daily routine, and mostly giving more attention to each other. Every morning we texted each other a “good morning” message, and every night I texted him the “good night” message because I always go to bed earlier.

Until one day he just appeared in my house crying. I asked him what was happening and he told me that his parents didn't accept him, so I asked my dad if Arson could stay and he accepted. He told me about everything while I played with his hair, making him feel a little more relaxed. When he finished we decided to cuddle and watch a Disney movie, we put on Mulan and we fell asleep.

That night made our relationship even stronger, but there was something that bothered me. I needed to always be there for him because of his insecurities and panic attacks, but at the same time, I didn’t have emotional support from him. When he was having a depressing episode he could be disconnected from everything for weeks, and when I tried to talk to him about the fact that I needed a little emotional support too I just couldn’t say anything, I was too scared to make him feel bad, that I preferred to say that everything Was ok but it hurt me. One part of me was always telling me “you need to break up with him, he’s making you get worst”.And then the other part said:

“But it isn’t his fault, he didn’t know that what he’s doing is making us get worse”.“Then we need to tell him”...“But I don’t want him to be sad”, “But this is making you sad!”

“I prefer to suffer myself than the person I love”

And this conversation just ran over and over in my head every day.

Until one day we met in the cafeteria near the school like we always did and he was very happy, so I decided to ask him what was happening.

- “My grandfather accepted me” -He told me trying to hold the happy tears.
- Oh my goodness! That's so beautiful! I’m so happy for you.

After this, he introduced me to his grandfather and the three of us got dinner together. And that night I got a text from Arson, he was telling me that his grandfather made him realize that he was not being a good boyfriend, he told me that he realized that he didn't romantically love me, that he was only with me because II was the only one at that moment that supported and loved him for what he was. And he was just really dependent on me, so he decided to break up with me so I could find peace somewhere else with someone that loved me and didn’t hurt me.